I’m Not Sorry for Rehoming my Dog
If you would have told me I’d be rehoming my dog when I first adopted her four years ago, I’d be shocked.
I thought I’d be with her until the day she died.
And now that I’m in the process of rehoming her, I’m noticing how much shame and judgment people are projecting onto me.
Shit, a few years ago I would have been judging and shaming myself too. The mainstream perception is that you don’t care about your pet or that you’re abandoning them, which would then make you a “bad” person.
I can’t speak to other people’s rehoming decisions, but for me, my decision comes from a place of spiritual growth, which is why I’m celebrating it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still moving through sadness and grief. But that doesn’t mean it’s not the right decision for me.
Shadow Patterns
My shadow pattern is overextending myself in relationships. When I was a kid, I learned that I had to lose my sense of self for connection. In my 20’s, I found myself stuck in a pattern where I would default to other people’s boundaries, which meant neglecting my needs. And I could only neglect my needs for long before I burnt out. To no fault of the other person, I would grow resentful of them for feeling disconnected from myself. In my dating life, the resentment would build up to the point where I couldn’t stand being around them anymore, which would create abrupt endings.
It’s not surprising, then, that I found myself in the same pattern with my dog. I adopted her in January 2021, after the piercing isolation I felt from Covid. It didn’t make logical sense for me to adopt a dog based on my financial & housing situation at the time, but I told myself that having the consistent presence of an animal companion would feed my emotional wellbeing, which could then help me stabilize other areas of my life.
That’s not at all what happened.
Don’t get me wrong – we’ve shared many beautiful memories, and I’ve learned and grown so much from this relationship. But I essentially made a blind commitment and stuck through it to my own detriment.
I was coming from a place of scarcity. Dog adoption was in high demand and I had waited months for a dog to become available, so I jumped on the first opportunity. I went and picked her up from the shelter without having ever met her before.
This mirrors a historical relationship pattern where I would blindly commit to the longevity of a romantic relationship before understanding if we were compatible. I committed from a place of fantasy, not reality.
And after four years of being Amor’s guardian, I’m finding myself resentful for all the ways I’ve put her needs before my own.
For example, I absolutely love living in community with others. It’s part of my spiritual practice. But Amor’s need to be the only animal in the home has severely limited my housing opportunities.
I had even considered rehoming her a couple years ago during a period of housing instability where I found myself living in a tent for 5 months. I was losing hope that finding us both housing would be possible. I didn’t want to rehome her then, but I was afraid both of our safety would be compromised if we stayed together.
Eventually I did secure housing – although, not from a place of abundance, but survival. You see, I’ve divested from the capitalist safety net, and part of that means not maintaining my credit score. When I’m living my values of living in community, I don’t need the credit score to secure housing, so it’s not an issue. But Amor’s need to be the only pet in the home cornered me into finding us a one bedroom apartment. And because I had to rely on my credit score, the only place I could secure was in a loud, sketchy location with no backyard.
This really plummeted our quality of life. The apartment was full of toxins, and the chaotic environment rattled my nervous system. Despite being harassed while taking her out on walks (being called homophobic slurs), I’ve been disciplined about taking her on two big walks per day because I’ve been so devoted to her wellbeing.
This is where I fell into my old shadow pattern. I found myself prioritizing her needs at the expense of my own. For example, I would feel so guilty anytime I left the house. Dogs are pack animals. They’re not biologically equipped to be in isolation. So I would take her with me everywhere I possibly could, pulling her behind my e-bike in her doggie trailer. She doesn’t get along with every dog she meets, so it’s stressful to bring her to social events, but I would bring her around town with me as I ran my errands.
This is the first time in my life I’ve ever lived alone. And for these past two years I’ve been so consumed by the guilt of leaving her in an empty apartment that I’ve passed up countless social opportunities.
And as a result, my social needs weren’t getting met. I felt like I was betraying my dog anytime I would get out and socialize. But in the end, I was betraying myself by neglecting my needs.
Eventually, I grew resentful towards her for the needs I was sacrificing on her behalf. It felt like, in order to improve her quality of life, I had to diminish my own.
Choosing Myself
My growth edge has been to prioritize myself first in relationships. Yes, including my relationship with my dog.
It’s felt emotionally painful to leave Amor at home alone while I leave the house. But it’s also been freeing. What kind of life would I be living if I never left my noisy little apartment?
The more I started to prioritize my needs first, the more I realized I don’t actually have the capacity to give her the quality of life she deserves. And rather than stretching myself thin, I’ve come to a place of radical acceptance – our lifestyles are simply misaligned.
Just because I love her doesn’t mean I’m indebted to her. This is true in any relationship, human or not.
For me, relationships are mirrors that facilitate spiritual growth. I’m so grateful for the ways that loving and caring for her has helped me grow more patience, compassion, and, ultimately, acceptance.
Though I feel sad to part ways, I’m so grateful for her presence in my life. As we part ways, I’m grateful for the final lesson she’s teaching me – letting go.
Healing Intergenerational Trauma
Growing up in poverty, as I got older I noticed how much my parents resented me for all the years they had to sacrifice their needs in order to raise me and my sister. It wasn’t their fault they were in survival mode, but it wasn’t a great feeling to receive.
And this isn’t how I want to relate to my dog.
I’ve witnessed people drag out loveless marriages because they made a commitment 20+ years ago.
Even though my dog won’t live a full 20 years, I’m unwilling to drag on a relationship I resent just to honor a blind commitment I made when I was young and naive.
I give myself permission to learn and grow. Even, and especially, if that’s a little messy. I’m only human after all.
I choose abundance in moments my ancestors couldn’t.
I am their wildest dreams.
Illusions of Human Supremacy
It’s not Amor’s fault, nor mine, that our needs are incompatible.
If I were in a human relationship and was chronically resentful of my lover because of incompatible needs, it would be sad and painful, but we would break up.
And I wouldn’t be accused of being a bad person in doing so. On the contrary, my friends would congratulate me for choosing to end my suffering.
So then why do people expect me to be unconditionally obligated to my dog?
Human supremacy.
In a human dominated world, dogs are forced to fit into a world that was not designed for them, but for humans. Their dependence on humans is socially constructed. Yet, because they depend on us, we often associate them as children.
For some, relating to their dog as a child is a lifestyle choice that they really enjoy. That never really resonated with me though.
One of the nicknames I have for Amor is “mamita” because she’s a literal mother. She gave birth before I adopted her. I, on the other hand, have never had that experience. If anything, I’ve related to her more as a motherly figure than a child. She’s half boxer (a guard dog) and I’ve always felt a motherly protection from her.
But more than anything, I relate to her as a companion. A peer. She’s older than me in dog years afterall. Personally, it just feels off to treat her like a child.
When animals are infantilized, it’s common to unconsciously disregard consent. For example, doubling down when cats are trying to escape out of your arms or forcing costumes onto dogs when they’re clearly not enjoying it.
As someone who doesn’t enjoy social hierarchies, it feels most respectful when I relate to my dog as a sovereign being.
It’s like — if I had a friend who depended on me because they had a disability, I wouldn’t infantilize them. So why would I infantilize my dog because she depends on me?
My Dog is Not a Victim
Because so many people relate to dogs as children, they interpret my decision to rehome Amor as if I were abandoning my child.
However, Amor is not a child. She’s a sovereign being with her own soul plan for this incarnation. Her expression of sovereignty might not be obvious on the material plane, but it’s evident on the astral plane.
My girlfriend is an animal communicator. In fact, I had hired her to help Amor and I communicate before we started dating.
One day when the three of us were hanging out, she relayed to me what Amor was communicating – that she was ready to be rehomed. She had been manifesting a new human guardian on the astral plane before I had even started the adoption process.
When I found that out, I was immensely relieved. And I was humbled, once again, to be reminded that my dog is not a child, but a soul in a dog body just as I am a soul in a human body. We are equals. And she expresses her sovereignty in a way that cannot be perceived in the material realm alone.
Disposability Culture
In the U.S., disposability culture is the norm. We see this with single use plastics polluting Earth, and we see this in relationships. When you break up with someone you call them your “ex,” as if to erase them from your life. There’s a binary of either loving them or hating them, and so it’s common for them to go from being your lover to the enemy. “They broke up with me, so they’re the bad guy and I’m the victim.”
Personally, this is not how I relate to “breakups.” I live in a world where breakups are simply transformations. How could you love someone and then toss them in the trash? How could you cultivate such deep, vulnerable intimacy with someone and then completely ignore their existence? I experience this as a form of emotional violence.
From the mainstream U.S. perspective, it makes sense then why people get triggered when I tell them I’m rehoming my dog. It makes me the “bad” guy for “abandoning” her. People assume I must hate her if I’m willing to accept misalignments.
True abandonment in Amor’s case would be leaving her on the street to fend for herself. That’s not what’s happening. Breakups are hard, but that doesn’t mean we still don’t love each other. I’m working on finding her a loving home who can better meet her needs – from a place of abundance, not survival.
So many people have told me “don’t give her up,” “stay with her.” But if I was outgrowing a romantic relationship, wouldn’t that be a strange thing to say?
Would it not be asking me to force misalignments? Would it not be asking me to suffer?
I’m not willing to suffer for other people’s comfort. Suffering is completely optional and I’m not living in scarcity.
Choosing Abundance
I’m celebrating this ultimate lesson that she’s gifting me – learning how to stand in my truth amidst the pressures of judgment and shame.
Back when I was in a chronic fawning response, I would lose my sense of self by defaulting to other people’s boundaries. I would collapse to social pressure and betray my own needs.
I’m so incredibly proud of myself for not losing my sense of self amidst the peer pressure.
It’s not easy to part ways from Amor because I love her and will miss her so much. We’ve both healed from trauma alongside each other. It’s been an absolute honor and privilege to witness her transform from a shy, timid dog into a confident, joyful one. And it’s been an honor to have been shaped by her in my spiritual journey.
What a blessing to have spent four beautiful years together. What a blessing that she found refuge in such a loving, affectionate home with me after an abusive beginning. What a blessing for her to receive extensive training so that she can now be easily adoptable.
When I had originally adopted her, I had no idea how untrained she was. When I filled out the adoption paperwork, one of the questions was “How long are you willing to try things out before deciding it might not work?” And I remember answering “one year.” There were many times during the first year where I thought, “What have I gotten myself into with this untrained, traumatized dog?” It was taxing at times. But I remembered my commitment and persevered. Now, four years later, I can confidently say, “Yeah, this actually isn’t compatible.”
Unlike my shadow pattern where I end things abruptly out of bubbling resentment, I’m celebrating how I’m moving at the speed of care as we part ways.
And with bittersweetness, I’m looking forward to regaining my sovereignty. I’m celebrating a life where I prioritize myself first, which means I relate to others from a place of wholeness rather than self betrayal.
When I originally adopted her, I was in dire need of an emotional support companion. Now I’m finding that I crave to be in my own energy. I’m the most emotionally stable I’ve ever been in my life and I’m excited to continue deepening with myself by primarily focusing on me. I chose not to have children at this age for a reason. I don’t want that added responsibility at this time in my life. And I’m so excited for this next chapter.
I’m excited for Amor too. I’m happy she’ll be upgrading her life just as her soul had planned before she incarnated into this sweet, furry body.
Some relationships aren’t meant to last forever. Souls incarnate into flesh to learn what they could not otherwise learn in the spirit realm. When you cling on to relationships that were designed to be temporary, you’re not learning the lesson you signed up for. I’m so proud of myself for graduating from this lesson — radiating my truth unapologetically.
We’re saying goodbye for now, but not forever. We’ve shared a past life together as human and animal companion before and I’m sure this won’t be the last. Our karma is complete for now in this lifetime, and like any mature breakup, I’m ready to part ways with lots of love in my heart.
(As of 11/25/24)
I’m still in the process of finding Amor a loving home.
If you know of anyone who’s interested in adopting an affectionate, well-loved dog please let me know!
abundantfutures888@gmail.com
I need to find her a new home by December 8th. Ideally, by someone in Arizona, California or New Mexico. Thanks!
