Sacred Bleeding - a Homecoming

“Welcome home” my body whispered to me inside the grocery store bathroom.

A previous version of myself would have been distraught to be bleeding through my vagina.

Today, I’m a proud trans man who bleeds.

After 5 years of taking Testosterone, to my surprise I took my final dose in February 2024.

Originally, I had never planned to stop.

Part of me was equating Testosterone with manhood.

…and bleeding with womanhood.

Deep down I knew this wasn’t true.

But there were very tender young parts that were still saturated in imperialist patriarchy.

I wasn’t planning to speak about this publicly because I know many trans folks might find this triggering.

Ultimately, I decided to write about this because my heart wants to.

I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come in my journey of love and acceptance.

This blog post is a celebration of the peace I feel within.

A peace so deep that previous versions of myself are in disbelief.

They are rejoicing 😭

This post is for them.

I love you, little ones 💕

back when I was easily taken out by external invalidtion

5 reasons I chose to stop taking Testosterone

1. Access Barriers

   • There are two very real threats to accessing trans affirming medication.

     • 1. Anti-trans legislation.

       • Imperialist governance gives the few power over the many, which results in discrimination. While Testosterone is still legally available in Arizona, who’s to say for how long? Especially considering abortion was recently outlawed here.

     • 2. The apocalypse.

       • The empire is already collapsing. Shit’s getting less and less predictable as we move through the transition period. It could be that pharmaceuticals, in general, become unavailable or less available as civil unrest escalates and the supply chain gets disrupted.

         • Either way, if I stop taking Testosterone due to forces outside of my control, it would create physical and emotional chaos on top of the material chaos that would have sparked the disruption in the first place.

         • As Earth erradicates war and transitions towards peace, I must keep my energy grounded amidst the chaos. Making the empowered choice to stop on my own timeline creates the spaciousness to move at the speed of care.
           
           

2. Divesting from pharmaceuticals

   • The deeper I get into the metaphysical world, the more important it is to me to have a clear channel.

     • By which, I mean my body.

   • The beings who are watching over Earth and assisting us in our collective evolution of consciousness are finding that pharmaceuticals are interfering with our connection to the cosmos.

     • As a paradigm doula - someone who’s aiding Earth’s transition away from war and towards peace, it’s imperative that my channels are clear so I can effectively do what I came to do.

     • My vessel needs to be clear so I can receive guidance from the cosmos.

   • In January 2024 I detoxed all foreign substances from my body. Caffeine, cannabis and Testosterone.

     • side note: Testosterone is a natural substance found in all bodies. The foreign substance was not the T itself, but the liquid carrier the pharmaceutical industry provided.

       • also, did you know caffeine gets processed through the liver as a toxin? Learning that really changed the way I related to caffeine.
         
         

3. Confidence

   • Before starting T (and during the 1st year) my self esteem was very fragile. I hadn’t yet cultivated inner validation and would feel distraught when I wasn’t externally validated. Every time I got misgendered in public I would feel a sharp pain in my stomach and sometimes even nausea. I couldn’t cope with being perceived in a way that I did not perceive myself. I would smoke myself numb to escape the world. There was a period of time where I couldn’t stand the feeling of being sober.

   • Being perceived as a man has most certainly reduced these triggers. However, as time moved on, and I felt more ease existing in the physical world, I realized I still needed to address the internalized patriarchy living in heart and mind. I needed to make peace, not just externally, but within myself.

   • Most characteristics of Testosterone are irreversible: hair growth, genital growth, voice deepening, balding, etc. The few things that change when stopping T is the way body fat is distributed through the body + menstruation.

     • I had never considered stopping Testosterone because I wasn’t willing to bleed again. And I felt insecure about the way my body was shaped. Deep down, I felt if I started bleeding and if my body fat redistributed, it would negate my man-ness.

   • I decided I didn’t want my confidence to come from outside of me. External confidence can so easily be taken away. And if confidence is fleeting, then is it even real - or just a performance?

     • There’s nothing more confident about a man who chooses to bleed. The fact that I’m a man who consented to bleeding makes me more confident than most cis men I know. I don’t believe many cis men would have the courage to choose that path.

     • The day I started bleeding at the grocery store, I immediately went to the “women’s” section to find pads. As I walked through the store with “feminine hygiene products” in hand, I smiled to myself and thought “Damn. This is a new chapter.” When previously these labels would have crushed my spirit, in present time I just rolled my eyes and laughed them off. The way I view myself now is stronger than the way the world perceives me.

     • I could feel my younger ones present as adrenaline pumped through my body. “What will people think?” “Is anyone looking at me?”

       • My older, wiser self anchored them down with “Who cares.” As long as my safety isn’t threatened, then truly “Who cares what other people think? I know who I am and that’s all that matters.”
         
         

4. Ease

   • No more shots!

   • No more needle anxiety.

   • No more waiting in lines at the pharmacy.

   • No more lab tests.

   • No more hospital visits.

   • No more dealing with the western medical industrial complex.

   • Now I can travel without the stress of navigating the restrictions of a federally controlled substance.
     
     

5. Sacred Ritual

   • Before I came out as trans, I had related to my period as something gross and burdensome. Now that I’m older and wiser I realize this is foreign energy in my space. I wasn’t born relating to my body as gross and burdensome. That’s the perspective of imperialist patriarchy interfering with my relationship with my body.

   • I’m reclaiming reverence for my body and how it was designed. Female bodies create life and that is divine. Though I don’t plan to give birth, myself, I do honor life on Earth - and my body is Earth’s creation. Why would I love my body any less than I would love a flower, a tree or any other of Earth’s creations?

   • I’ve been inspired by countless beloveds in my ecosystem who relate to their period or their “moon” as sacred. They know which phase they’re in, which herbs to take, when to rest and when to go outwards. What profound guidance from the body. Who am I to disrupt the flow of divine intelligence that guides me? Who am I to override the natural rhythms of life? How can I celebrate the ways in which life moves through me?

   • I vow to learning more about my moon cycle and how to take care of my body in each phase.

   • I vow to move with the rhythm of the universe that flows through my vessel, my ovaries, my vulva. Fucking magical.

   • I trust that mooning will be less painful the more I’m able to work with my body and not against it.

   • I vow to deepening with my body from a place of love and respect, not shame and control.

   • I vow to deepening my relationship with the divine by celebrating my divine vessel.

---

*Disclaimer

If you even made it this far, it’s important for you to know that this is my personal experience.

I don’t expect or even need other trans people to relate to their experience the same way I do.

I, myself, have been quite surprised at how things have unfolded in my life.

And this feels true to me.

I celebrate truth.

My prayer for the world is that we may embrace multiple truths without needing to prove each other right or wrong. Without needing to dominate or control one another.

I feel it’s important to express my truth as an expression of love to myself and the collective.

---

Now, back to the story.

After two months of being off T and waiting for my period to arrive, I was starting to wonder if it would return at all.

Part of me liked that idea.

In a way it felt like cheating the system. Having the best of both worlds.

But a greater part of me wanted to be in sacred relationship with my bleeding body.

So when the day finally came I cried tears of joy.

Tears of homecoming.

After 5 years, fully returning to myself. Liberated from the shackles of “man” or “woman”.

I am simply human.

I love all my parts: my beard, my voice, my soft belly, and my moon.

I am fully me.

Divine Timing

Just before my period returned I had been traveling in the Bay Area, California for 10 days followed by 3 days of camping in Sedona, Arizona.

I went to Sedona to harness the energy of the vortexes there.

I meditated for hours and charged my crystals.

The first vortex I went to had a more down to Earth quality. This vortex was good for reflection, exploring past lives and deepening relationship with Earth.

I figured I could harness that energy to reflect on my trip and integrate my experience.

The next vortex I went to had more of an upward & outward energy, facilitating connection with the cosmos. Here I did some powerful manifestion work where I manifested restful sleep, housing security, and peace on Earth.

You know, casual.

hehehe 😋

A thought occurred to me while I was there.

What if this energy vortex was initiating the bleeding in my body?

Afterall, the rocks are red because they’re rich in iron.

…and a few hours later, I started bleeding!

Whether I subconsciously manifested the bleeding or I was picking up on something that was already happening, it felt so magical.

Divine Timing.

And feeling deep connection with Earth.

Deep gratitude for her assistance in me finding my flow.

Celebrations

I’m celebrating the inner knowing that lives deep within my heart.

So deep that it cannot be swayed by external perceptions.

I’m celebrating belonging to myself.

Belonging to Earth.

I’m celebrating my dedication to being a disciple of love.

A declaration of humbling my ego.

A deep commitment to the spiritual path.

I’m grateful for this trans body. This trans experience.

My soul relishes in all the teachings of living in multiple worlds all at once.

What a privilege and a gift to be safe, to be empowered.

To share the abundance of my learnings.

The gift of this sacred experience.

I am honored and humbled.