How to Free Up More Space for Intimacy
Yessss, it finally happened! I hooked up with my crush - and during the pandemic of all times! New house = new covid pod = new social life. Things almost feel back to “normal” - meeting new people and starting new spring romances.
...And then the comedown hit me. An icky feeling in the pit of my stomach - a tightness. I noticed myself feeling defensive, wanting to protect myself. My arms and legs both suddenly found themselves criss-crossed. My crush had brought up a conversation about boundaries and expectations - moving slowly and seeing if we’re compatible before falling into familiar codependent patterns of enmeshing our lives right away based on sexual chemistry.
Mentally, I was so happy to be having an emotionally mature conversation. What a dream come true! And, yet, my body was going into survival mode. My core wound of feeling rejected got triggered in that moment - a characteristic of my anxious attachment style. My subconscious mind was looking for some affirmation that they were crushing back, fulfilling my need to feel secure in my emotions. For many of us, sex can be that positive feedback that we need to feel secure. Yet here we were, all sweaty post-sex, having a different conversation - a conscious one. My physical discomfort revealed a longing for confirmation that I would not feel rejected and get my feelings hurt.
But that’s the thing about relationships - we often seek a sense of control so we can make sure we don’t get hurt. But, in reality, the only thing we have control over is ourselves. If I’m searching outside of myself for a sense of security, I will never be in control - only chasing the illusion of it. If my sense of control is dependent on external factors, that leaves me extremely vulnerable because anything could change at any moment. Ironically, the seeking for control, itself, gets in the way of authentically connecting. At the end of the day, humans want to be loved and desired. We are social creatures!
Control stagnates connection. Connection stems from a heart-opening that allows things to unfold as they need, unattached to the outcome - even if that outcome could potentially be quite painful.
Prioritizing control (self-defense) over connection (vulnerability) can show up in many ways. It can look like filtering your speech to only reveal things the other person might find appealing. Or it could look like not fully advocating for your needs to get met. Because: What if your needs aren’t compatible? What if it pushes them away? What if they see your full spectrum - unfiltered - and they find you less attractive?
Well, do you really want one of your closest relationships to feel like you can’t fully be yourself or get your needs met? What is it costing you to minimize the risk of getting your heart broken?
Many of us have learned in childhood that our needs are too messy, inconvenient or burdensome. In order to receive love, we have adapted by suppressing our needs. We have no control over the past, but it is within our power to consciously change these patterns in the present.
Everybody has a core fear. What is yours? What fears and insecurities are you protecting within? How does that impact the way you show up in your relationships? How fulfilled do you feel in your relationships?
*This visual is part of Non-Monogamy 101 for Spiritual Souls online class. access here.
Intimacy is a shared experience of mutual vulnerability. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable requires a practice of surrender. Even though practicing surrender invites in more space for risks, it also creates space for authentic, fulfilling connection. Coming from a place of surrender and vulnerability, the outcome is not guaranteed. However, it is much richer to cherish beautiful moments of authentic connection than to have only connected from a fabricated place of seeking to manipulate the outcome so you don't get hurt.
Grief and appreciation are one in the same. You cannot grieve something without having appreciation for its existence. The human experience consists of a full spectrum of emotions. What else are you numbing out when you avoid the uncomfortable ones? How deeply can you feel connected if you have a wall up? Walls protect from harm, yes, and they also can keep out the things you want more of. At the end of the day, they're a barrier. Are you willing to loosen your grip to create more space for authentic, fulfilling connection?
Based on this experience, this is what I'm practicing so I can create new patterns:
Notice when the discomfort arises in my body and breathe into it until it runs its course
E-motions (energy in motion) usually last up to 90 seconds if we allow them the space to move through us. When we reject our feelings, that energy stays in the body, accumulating over time.
Take time to reflect and release emotion (journaling, dancing, singing, biking, yoga, grunting, etc.)
After taking time to process my emotions --> communicate my needs and feelings (no matter how scary it feels!)
Trusting that - by being willing to risk getting my feelings hurt - it will lead to deeper connection
either by being embraced in my authenticity by le crush or by opening space for authenticity with someone else
I offer you my practices as an invitation for you to feel more fulfillment in your relationships and heal inner child wounds. It may not alway feel comfortable to practice these things in the moment, but wowwww is it SATISFYING to face your fears and get a different result - a conscious experience. A life well-lived. You got this! 💜
